funny jokes here.
01-28-2004 | 11:20 AM
#1
Thread Starter
Nontypical Buck
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,082
Likes: 0
From: warwick ND USA
funny jokes here.
got some funny jokes here. some of them airnt clean so if u dont want to read them dont. but i thought they were realy funny...... espically the first one.....
A Little Nature Story
There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly.
There's also a bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish.
There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, and I can shoot the bear.
There's a mouse behind the hunter, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket.
There's a cat watching the mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse.
So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the mouse, slips, and falls into the water.
The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a ***** wet.
Catch Me Some Chickens
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's ***** willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
Clock Shop
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop while looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his penis on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!"
Old McDonald had a Farm
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.
A Little Nature Story
There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly.
There's also a bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish.
There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, and I can shoot the bear.
There's a mouse behind the hunter, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket.
There's a cat watching the mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse.
So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the mouse, slips, and falls into the water.
The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a ***** wet.
Catch Me Some Chickens
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's ***** willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
Clock Shop
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop while looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his penis on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!"
Old McDonald had a Farm
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.
01-28-2004 | 11:23 AM
#2
Thread Starter
Nontypical Buck
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,082
Likes: 0
From: warwick ND USA
RE: funny jokes here.
here is a few more i like this one too.
Horseback Riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.
Understand
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
5 Stages of drunkness...
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
i like this one too. Horseback Riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.
Understand
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
5 Stages of drunkness...
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
