Some huntin' jokes to brighten your day...enjoy!
04-06-2004, 09:32 AM
#1
Nontypical Buck
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lancaster pa
Posts: 3,015
Some huntin' jokes to brighten your day...enjoy!
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a ****, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
And finally my favorite one!
A man takes his wife to the Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from these deer."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a ****, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
And finally my favorite one!
A man takes his wife to the Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from these deer."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."
04-06-2004, 10:04 AM
#2
Nontypical Buck
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ontario,Canada
Posts: 2,107
RE: Some huntin' jokes to brighten your day...enjoy!
Thanx bear for sharing some humor in the off season,I liked the moose mating one and the last one.I will have to tell my wife these when she gets home from work-----lmao
04-11-2004, 05:45 AM
#6
Nontypical Buck
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 3,476
RE: Some huntin' jokes to brighten your day...enjoy!
Heres on for ya
Three hunters were talking around the campfire about who was the meanest and the toughest......
The Texan began..."Shoot..one time in while on a New Mexico hunt...in one afternoon while out on the foothills I set my own broken leg, killed a mountain lion with a single shot, and butchered 2 Elk...alone!"
The guy from Alaska just stirred the fire....
Not to be outdone the fella from Colorado began...."Heck...that ain't nothin', While I had 2 broken legs...I killed a big bear...with my bare hands,..butchered the bruin with a can opener...carried it up a thousand feet into the mountains so it wouldn't spoil, and still found the time to kill and butcher 3 elk on the way down for the camp larder"
All this time the Alaskan was stirring the fire..... With his d-ck.
Three hunters were talking around the campfire about who was the meanest and the toughest......
The Texan began..."Shoot..one time in while on a New Mexico hunt...in one afternoon while out on the foothills I set my own broken leg, killed a mountain lion with a single shot, and butchered 2 Elk...alone!"
The guy from Alaska just stirred the fire....
Not to be outdone the fella from Colorado began...."Heck...that ain't nothin', While I had 2 broken legs...I killed a big bear...with my bare hands,..butchered the bruin with a can opener...carried it up a thousand feet into the mountains so it wouldn't spoil, and still found the time to kill and butcher 3 elk on the way down for the camp larder"
All this time the Alaskan was stirring the fire..... With his d-ck.
04-13-2004, 02:03 PM
#9
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 330
RE: Some huntin' jokes to brighten your day...enjoy!
Not really a joke, but kind of....
A few years ago, I was visiting a buddy of mine in Alaska and we were going to fly out into the bush the next day on a do it yourself / drop camp, moose hunt. We spent the night with my buddies uncle who was a pilot and flew all over the bush country...tough old dude. As we were BS'ing and getting pumped up for the hunt, I mentioned to him that a bud from back home asked me if I wanted to take his .357 along. I said, sure, what the heck, something to keep in camp and if nothing else, it would make me "feel a little better" with it in my sleeping bag as we were going into known Grizz country. His uncle asked me to go out and get it out of the truck, as he wanted to take a look at it...I thought, what the heck, it's just a pistol, but went and got it anyway. When I came back in, he said that what I should do is file the front sight off of it before we head out....??? I thought to myself, what the he!! is this old dude talking about...Well, I said, you know, this isn't mine to start out with, and why in the heck would I want to do it anyway....He said, "when that mean old Grizz takes it and shoves is up your a$$, it won't hurt so much"!!!!!!!!!!
Man, did I take that one hook line and sinker...but it was a good laugh, none the less :-)
A few years ago, I was visiting a buddy of mine in Alaska and we were going to fly out into the bush the next day on a do it yourself / drop camp, moose hunt. We spent the night with my buddies uncle who was a pilot and flew all over the bush country...tough old dude. As we were BS'ing and getting pumped up for the hunt, I mentioned to him that a bud from back home asked me if I wanted to take his .357 along. I said, sure, what the heck, something to keep in camp and if nothing else, it would make me "feel a little better" with it in my sleeping bag as we were going into known Grizz country. His uncle asked me to go out and get it out of the truck, as he wanted to take a look at it...I thought, what the heck, it's just a pistol, but went and got it anyway. When I came back in, he said that what I should do is file the front sight off of it before we head out....??? I thought to myself, what the he!! is this old dude talking about...Well, I said, you know, this isn't mine to start out with, and why in the heck would I want to do it anyway....He said, "when that mean old Grizz takes it and shoves is up your a$$, it won't hurt so much"!!!!!!!!!!
Man, did I take that one hook line and sinker...but it was a good laugh, none the less :-)
