I fear, that even though I am trying, I will eventually lose touch with his son. Mom is very unstable but can clean up her act just long enough to hang on to her son each time CPS is called. Trace had zero interest in the guns. I have kept an old .22 that me and Ray used to spend hours out shooting with and when Trace is around 18 or so I will pass it on to him. I have the most memories of me and Ray together with that gun than I do the black powders. I am still undecided whether to sell his Jeep or sell my truck. According to the counselor it is rather unhealthy for me to sit in his Jeep in the middle of the night and cry. But it is the last thing he touched before he died and it is where I feel closest to him. I would sell everything and my soul to have him back. I did not think it was possible to hurt this bad and continue to breathe. I can't understand how at 6:30 a.m on April 17th I had a beautiful man and a wonderful stepson and at 7:53 a.m. I no longer had a family. I went from a house that was full of love and happiness to house that is silent and filled with sorrow. It is mind boggling how much my life changed in less than 2 hrs. On the flip side I was always very scared of the dark (Yeah I know at 43 I should have been over it) Now it doesn't scare me anymore. I have learned there are much scarier things in the world. I just want to come home from work and have him come out the door yelling "peepers" as he opens the gate for me. I just want my world back!