I've tried almost everything. My wife has small hands to begin with, and somewhere in her past was a "macho" LE officer who thought it'd be cool to put her behind .44 magnum revolvers and .300 magnum rifles. As a consequence, she physically can't handle anything with a double-stack magazine, and she equates the sound of the shot with intense recoil.
She also thinks differently than I do. While clearing a stoppage in an auto is basic stuff to me, she's intimidated by figuring out what to do next with a FTE. Not a good thing to happen if she's under pressure. On the other hand, she's unconcerned when it comes to a revolver, they're just mechanically simpler to her.
She's tried a .380, but doesn't handle it firmly enough and nearly always wound up with a stoppage. She does okay with the 9mm, but the double-stack handles don't fit her hands. My .45s are all just too large.
If I could overcome her mechanical phobia, I'd probably prefer she shoot a DA 9mm single-stack. But I believe a better solution for her is a lightweight .357 revolver like the Smith or the Ruger, shooting .38 specials.
They're all different though. See what your friends might have available to loan you, or if there's a range nearby where you can rent various handguns. And then practice, practice, practice....