Under attack by the TCRM
Tennessee[/b] Cervid Resistance Movement[/b]
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The Tennessee deer season has finally come to a close, and to be honest, I’m thankful. At least I survived it. You see, I’m convinced that the deer in Tennessee have formed an underground resistance movement, and that they are targeting me specifically. I have begun referring to this group the Tennessee Cervid Resistance Movement, or TCRM.
It all started with the sudden disappearance of every deer. I mean, the Tennessee woods were literally crawling with deer in the early season, and I did kill four of them. Then, suddenly and without warning, they just vanished. I could tell they were still there somewhere. There were rubs, scrapes and tracks everywhere. I hunted hard, but no deer. While it didn’t occur to me at the time, now I’m convinced that they were conducting secret meetings in secure locations during the daylight hours.
I didn’t begin to realize there was a problem until I was walking in to my stand one dark December morning, bow in hand, Summit Viper on my back and hunting knife on my hip. I happened to glance to my left and there, 10 yards away, reflected in the green light shining from my cap, there were eyes. Two big eyes about 5 inches apart and they appeared to be about a foot off the ground. I froze and a chill went down my spine. I knew there was at least one cougar in the area – we had seen its tracks. My mind raced through my options. Bow? Useless. Knife? Practically useless. Still, there was no way I was going to walk away from this thing. I slowly unsheathed my knife knowing that if this really was[/i][/b] what my extremely imaginative mind was telling me it was, I might just as well use harsh language. Finally, knife in hand, heart in throat and adrenalin coursing through my veins I decided to walk towards it. One step. Then a second step. Suddenly, in answer to my hastily whispered prayers, off it went! Unfortunately for my ego (and any chance I had of telling stories about my nerves of steel in the face of imminent death), it actually turned out to be a deer that was standing just on the down-hill side of a drop-off on the edge of the road. I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I know that this was an intimidation tactic.
Ten minutes later, I was walking down the wooded hill, and suddenly I was actually surrounded by deer! In the past, deer have always ran AWAY from me, but these deer were actually running around me and back and forth for what seemed like a full minute, but in reality was probably only seven to ten seconds. It actually seemed as though they were circling for the kill. Once again, my hand went to my knife. Just as suddenly as they had appeared, they were gone. That was the last time I saw deer during that hunt, but now I was sure that the deer were out to get me.
The very next trip, the deer resorted to a method of attack that really worried me. I was on my way to the same lease at zero-dark-thirty with my son-in-law following me in his truck, and at 4:30 in the morning, I was taken totally by surprise by a kamikaze deer that just might have had some special mystical abilities. She seemed to materialize right in front of my truck and my foot hadn’t even made it to the brake pedal before I slammed into her at 60 miles per hour. It destroyed the front of my truck and drove the bumper back into the front tire. I screeched to a halt and got out to look for the deer, but she was gone! There’s no way she survived that impact! The left front corner of the bumper caught her right were we would aim for a broad side shot! Anyway, I’m sure they thought that they had beaten me, but luckily, my son-in-law had his tool box in his truck, so we stripped the bumper off the truck, drilled holes in the shattered plastic front end that Ford puts on their trucks now and laced the front of my truck back together with green zip-ties. I thought to myself that this might look a little ghetto-red-neck, but at least I’m back in business. I tossed the demolished bumper and assorted pieces of plastic into my son-in-law's truck bed and off we went. Well, the deer must have found a way to signal their failure ahead to their comrades at the lease, because once again, not one deer was sighted during that weekend hunt.
The last straw was this past weekend – the last weekend of the season. I made a point of taking Friday off so that I could drive during the day to avoid the kamikaze deer. I arrived at 10:30 am, had camp set up by 11:30 and was on the stand by 12:00. At 5:30, I actually saw six deer. They casually walked down the hill 40 yards away but stayed just on the other side of a small thicket. One of them even looked straight at me and then turned broadside, but there was no shot. I would almost swear I saw that deer smile. The rest of the weekend, I didn’t see another deer. That is, until the drive home, and I was astounded by the modification in tactics that I witnessed. After not seeing deer AT ALL for three straight sits, I hadn’t driven two miles until I saw three deer cross the road, right to left, right in front of me. I slowed down to about 30 miles per hour to look disbelievingly at them, and it’s a good thing I slowed down. That’s what saved me. They were the decoys! With my attention on the deer that had just crossed the road, the real attacker jetted out into the road. I registered a flicker of movement out of the corner of my right eye. My head snapped around and my foot slammed onto the brake and I just managed to miss her. So close! I considered sticking my head out the window and yelling something degrading, but I figured that my son-in-law, who was once again following me, would think I had lost my mind. So, once again, shaken by a close call, I continued on my way.
About four miles later, I was moving along at around 55 miles per hour and yet another attacker jumps out into the road, only this time from the left. I was ready this time, though. My foot hit the brake and I swerved hard to the right. This, however, was a well planned attack on the part of the TCRM. The highway here was narrow and the shoulder, if you could call it that, was a steep slope down into the ditch. They almost got me, folks. I managed to keep my left tires on the pavement, and that saved me. I saw something fly across my rear view mirror and realized that it was my quad trailer flying into the air and then jump hard to the right. I fought hard to regain control and I almost lost the battle. My quad trailer clipped a road sign and surgically removed my right tail light and demolished my ramp spring-pin assembly. I finally fought the truck back onto the pavement and came to a stop. I got out and my son-in-law ran up to me and said “Are you okay?” I answered in the affirmative, and he said “I think it’s a good thing for you that deer season is over for this year.” I simply replied “You know what? You’re absolutely right!” I just hope the Arkansas deer don't get wind of this. My season runs until the 28th of February there.
(If you read this whole thing, you deserve to know that these are all incidents that really happened to me during my last month of the Tennessee season.)