I am sorry GMMAT, I didn't get a chance to read all the way through it before. I see what you did, and to behonest, I get where you are coming from.
Thanks for the edit and critique, it was well needed.
As to the rest of you, maybe a apology is in order?
I never meant for this to turn into a "hate mail" sort of thing. I just wanted honest opinion's from honest people, and that' s what I got.
When I wrote this, I should have looked over it more and revised it a little better myself, rather than have MS Word do it for me. I wrote it and posted it.
All of your critique's, either good or bad, is what I asked for, so I shouldn't have got so defensive about the situation. Again, I'm sorry for all the mess, and hopefully when I get done re-reading it, re-writing it and have finally come up with a killer story, you guys can tell me what you really think, honestly.
Thank You

p.s.
I also wanted to say that, what I meant by "my generation" of talking is, everybody that I know and talk to, outside of huntingnet.com, always abbreviates and tries to simplify, every sentence and word. I just thought that everyone knew that stuff, and could relate, but I guess I was wrong. Sorry for all of that too.