but instead of picking out the writers errors, i was asking for what people thought of the story? i can add and change things as i go but, i want a critique on what my story is like: please respond!
I'll tell you the same thing now that I told you then (when you sought advice the first time).
Clean up your grammatical mistakes....and I'll give it an honest read/critique. NOBODY likes to fight through a story to understand it....and proper grammar can make OR break a good story. It's true in written AND spoken word.