ORIGINAL: quiksilver

AP Newswire:

Juveniles Apprehended

At approximately 01:30 last night, Michigan police responded to a disturbance in the 3100 block of Red Wing Street at the residence of Mr. Gary Hemry. According to Mr. Hemry, four juveniles were observed squirting cheapmustard all over Mr. Hemry's prize-winning 1981 Ford Pinto.

"That car is a goddamn classic," Mr. Hemry stated as he raised his fistat the arraignment hearing.

Eyewitness accounts of the incident reveal that Mr. Hemry was nearly nude as he chased the four youngsters across his property, with the chase eventually culminating in a capture of two of the juvenile delinquents.

BigTim6656 and Steven McBee are charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief in relation to last night's hijinx. Mr. McBee has pled guilty, and agreed to wash Mr. Hemry's car everyday for the next 22 years. Mr. BigTim, on the other hand, has pled "not guilty," and has released the following statement:

"I didnt frikkin do nuthin. Man this suxs. That giy is crazey. Hez pritty fast for a munchken tho."

Both Mr. McBee and BigTimhave jointly-filed a civil action against Mr. Hemry, because, according to their civil complaint: "The Defendant intentionally targeted the two youngsters based solely on their weight . . . This invidious weight discrimination has irreparably emotionally damaged thePlaintiffs, and monetary damages shall be assessed accordingly."

Mr. Hemry was too slow to catch the other juveniles, but when pressed by investigative authorities, BigTim squealed like a pig.No secondary arrests have been made, but MN/Kyle and My7pointmonster are currently listed as "persons of interest."

Police are asking Michigan residents to remain vigilant for suspicious activity, and report any and all incidents to State Police immediately.