For Christmas, my folks got me a humidifier. For my birthday, they got me a de-humidifier.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.