ORIGINAL: Killer_Primate
Dear Sir,
If you are here to steal this stand I just thought that it would only be fair to warn you, that I will make it my first priority to find and kill you. I will also harm your family, and if I happen to be anywhere near here right now, I'm probably already pointing my secondary (stolen) gun (which is not registered to me) at you while pleasuring myself.
Thanks, and have a great day!

P.S. I'm looking forward to F'ing up your life!