Jokes for the day
04-10-2007, 09:25 PM
#1
Nontypical Buck
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: North Central Kansas
Posts: 2,499
Jokes for the day
Here are a bunch of jokes. Enjoy!!!!
[blockquote]
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
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Winner of the World's Worst Hunting Dog Award
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!
~~~~~
Sometimes being first isn't what you expected...
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?
~~~~~
[blockquote]
[blockquote]
Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn't hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
[/blockquote]I suddenly remembered that I wasn't hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
~~~~~
Sign seen on a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
~~~~~
Seen on a T-Shirt:Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
Mumba Snake
[blockquote] A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up." "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."
"Go on," the friend said.
"Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.
"Did you ever *goose* a tiger?"
[/blockquote]"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."
"Go on," the friend said.
"Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.
"Did you ever *goose* a tiger?"
~~~~~
Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
[blockquote]5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with "Barney" camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, "Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet."
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, "Run, Bambi, RUN!"
[/blockquote]4. Your guide is completely outfitted with "Barney" camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, "Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet."
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, "Run, Bambi, RUN!"
~~~~~~
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Winner of the World's Worst Hunting Dog Award
~~~~~
Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.
~~~~~
How can lost hunters find their way in the woods?
By listening to the tree bark.
By listening to the tree bark.
~~~~~
Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
~~~~~
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!
~~~~~
~~~~~
[blockquote] A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
[/blockquote]"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
~~~~~
[blockquote] Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said - 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?', I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
[/blockquote]When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said - 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?', I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
~~~~~
[blockquote] Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.
[/blockquote]The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.
Submitted by Froglady
~~~~~
[blockquote] The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
[/blockquote]One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
~~~~~
[blockquote]Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
[/blockquote]Submitted by Shortstop18
~~~~~
[blockquote] Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
[/blockquote]They were still arguing when the train hit them.
~~~~~
Sometimes being first isn't what you expected...
~~~~~
[blockquote] A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
[/blockquote]I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Submitted by Shortstop18
~~~~~If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?
~~~~~
Submitted by H.R.
~~~~~[blockquote]
If you are a female bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for 6 months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. EXPECTS you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I could deal with that, also.
When you awaken from hibernation, you have lost 60 pounds.
I could deal with that.
I WANNA BE A BEAR!!
[/blockquote]I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. EXPECTS you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I could deal with that, also.
When you awaken from hibernation, you have lost 60 pounds.
I could deal with that.
I WANNA BE A BEAR!!
Submitted by SandyS
~~~~~
~~~~~
Definition of Vegetarian:
Old Indian word for bad hunter.
Old Indian word for bad hunter.
~~~~~
[blockquote]A guy goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help. Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, “I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows.” (Submitted by Don M.)
[/blockquote]
04-12-2007, 03:40 PM
#8
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: central ohio
Posts: 57
RE: Jokes for the day
this is an older one and some of you may have heard it.
Two hunters in the woods and one suddenly falls over. The other hunter called 911 on his cell phoneand said, "I think my hunting partner is dead, what should i do?"
The person on the other end of the line says, "First you need to make sure he is dead."
"Okay, hold on."
BANG!!!
"Now what?"
Two hunters in the woods and one suddenly falls over. The other hunter called 911 on his cell phoneand said, "I think my hunting partner is dead, what should i do?"
The person on the other end of the line says, "First you need to make sure he is dead."
"Okay, hold on."
BANG!!!
"Now what?"
04-14-2007, 09:24 PM
#10
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location:
Posts: 341
RE: Jokes for the day
Heres one my great-grandmother told me:
One time there was a lawyer, doctor, and preacher that all went hunting together. They sat at the corners of a big food plot and when a deer came out it stood the same distance from all of them and they all shot at the same time. When they all 3 got out of the stand they couldnt decide who had shot it. so the lawyer said hold on, walked over to the deer, looked it over, came back and said, "Preacher you killed it." They said how do you know he said cause the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
One time there was a lawyer, doctor, and preacher that all went hunting together. They sat at the corners of a big food plot and when a deer came out it stood the same distance from all of them and they all shot at the same time. When they all 3 got out of the stand they couldnt decide who had shot it. so the lawyer said hold on, walked over to the deer, looked it over, came back and said, "Preacher you killed it." They said how do you know he said cause the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
