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the grossest/funniest hunting story

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the grossest/funniest hunting story

Old 11-28-2005, 04:32 AM
Boone & Crockett
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WARNING: disgusting bodily functions discussed in following story!!!!!!!!!

The grossest hunting story-

The morning starts out like any other. I am one for routines. I wake up at 4:00am and roll out of bed and take a scent free shower. I get out of the shower and the dog is going bonkers so I let her out. While she’s out I make a pot of coffee. By the time the coffee is done the dog is ready to come in. I let the dog in, pour a cup of coffee, and sit down at the computer and check out huntingnet before I leave to go hunting for the morning. It’s the same thing EVERY morning.

The morning routine also consists of bodily functions. Just like clockwork after the 2nd cup of coffee I’m heading to the can for my morning crap J. After that I’m good to go. That’s my green light to head to the hunting lodge.

However, the other morning there was a kink in my ritual. Everything went like it usually does except the morning crap part. I was freaking out. NOTHING. I mean not even an inkling of needing to go. I was a little bothered by not needing to crap. All I can picture is getting into my stand and having to go. I delay my departure for 10 minutes hoping for some last minute magic. Nothing doing. I can’t wait anymore or I’ll be late to my stand.

Away I go and my routine carries on. I travel the same route to the hunting lodge. Same radio station. Stop at the same fields to take a glance etc…. All the while in the back of my mind I am deeply disturbed and now officially out of whack for the morning.

I get to the lodge and meet up with my hunting buddies. I try to ignore the fact that I haven’t been to the can yet. I get all my gear on and ready to go to the woods. I thought it wise to get a handful of toilet paper and put it in my pack. Again I’m prolonging my departure to walk to my stand hoping for some last minute movement. Nothing doing. Now I’m actually starting to put it out of my head and figuring everything is ok. I simply just didn’t need to crap this morning for whatever reason.

So I’m off to the woods. I have quite a little walk to get to my stand. I get halfway across the winter wheat field I have to walk across and I feel a strange little “gurgle”. Oh NO I think to myself. I stop dead in my tracks like a deer caught in headlights trying to figure it out. It rumbles again and I get a bad feeling. I gaze back at the walk back to the hunting lodge and try to decide if I should make a dash for it. It’s getting closer to light than I want it to and I don’t want to be late to my stand so I try to psych myself out and ignore it. I walk about 10 more steps and it’s like a volcano getting ready to erupt. I know at this point I’m doomed.

It’s no longer a gurgle or rumble, it’s coming full force now and there is no escaping. I frantically look back at the way I came and then ahead to the edge of the woods as I’m still standing in the middle of an open field. OH man I’m in trouble. There’s no ignoring it anymore.

I start making a mad dash to the edge of the woods. It was a cold morning and I have a lot of gear to shed. My hand warmer (muff) goes flying off. I drop my bow to the ground. I undo my release and wing that. My armguard goes flying. I unbuckle my fanny pack and chuck that someplace. I shed my coat. I’m just about falling over trying to unbuckle my bibs and pull them down. I’m in a marathon dash for my life to get to the woods. I feel like Finch in the movie American Pie when Stifler put Ex-Lax in his drink and he had to go to the bathroom in school. I now have a 50 yard trail of gear through a winter wheat field. I finally get to the edge of the woods and barely get my pants down (I mean BARELY).

WHEW!!! Out it comes. I finally took my morning crap. It’s about 25 degrees out and the wind is blowing pretty hard. I’m half naked and freezing my butt off. One minor problem…. I threw my pack someplace in my scramble and it’s still dark out. The pack that had the toilet paper that is. So I crawl around with my pants down to my ankles trying to find it. Finally find it and do what I have to do. Now I need to pick up the rest of my junk. That takes me quite awhile and it’s now getting light out.

Well I don’t quite know what to make of this morning of mine. I say to myself that’s done and over with and get a little chuckle out of it. I get all my stuff back in order and ready to hunt.

Off to my stand I go. I finally make it to the tree and get all situated. I’m sitting for about 10 minutes after first light and through the woods about 100 yards away I see a buck!! Not too bad of a buck either. He looks like he is veering away from me though. So scramble for my grunt call. I grab it out of the front pocket of my bibs and blow into it. The buck stops!! Wait a minute though what the heck was that?

Well…………….. I unfortunately got a taste of my morning crap. Somehow my grunt call got tangled up in my bibs in such a fashion that I crapped all over it. The thing was smeared in crap!!! I put my clothes back on and never noticed that I crapped all over part of my bibs. I guess in the haste I didn’t quite get them out of the way. I just about threw up. I was gagging for about 20 minutes. The buck must have decided he didn’t like my dry heaving motion and noise. I decided I’d had enough of that morning and headed back to practice some much needed oral hygiene. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but let’s just say there was “ample” amount of crap on my grunt call. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. That was truly disgusting.

I got back to hunting camp and felt obligated to tell the crew about the happenings. I’ve never seen grown men laugh so hard in all my life.

What acrappy experience.

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Old 11-28-2005, 04:58 PM
Boone & Crockett
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Old 11-28-2005, 05:03 PM
Nontypical Buck
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it is amazing how many times a person will do the same thing on his suspenders before he catches on also.
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Old 11-28-2005, 05:19 PM
Giant Nontypical
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Awesome story!!! Between you and Froman, we could be starting quite the archive of funnt crp stories!!!

So, how's your breath these days?
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Old 11-28-2005, 05:32 PM
Nontypical Buck
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that blows dude, i wish i could every morning though

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Old 11-28-2005, 05:44 PM
Nontypical Buck
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........ummmmmm I cant believe you actually posted that on the internet!!!! I dont think I would have told anyone [&:]
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Old 11-28-2005, 06:08 PM
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Oh my ..I had a similiar one but not as bad. I usually have to go as soon as I get out of my vehicle. Out of the body harness etc. Never fails. Last year though I saw something hard and brown on the rear fender of my SUV. Yep....after the hunt I had forgotten and spun out right in the crap all over the side of my Explorer Sport. Stuff is very hard to get off when it hardens.
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Old 11-28-2005, 07:31 PM
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That is the "crappiest" story of the year. But seriously I wouldnt have posted that "CRAP" LOL
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Old 11-28-2005, 07:53 PM
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I had a bad case of mud butt myself when I was a kid, crapped all over my snowpants.
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Old 11-28-2005, 08:08 PM
Nontypical Buck
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Im sorry cant see to type, glasses fogged up from laughing my ass off.
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