Most of this really fits for my three chocolate labs.
DEAR DOGS:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch places with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine, and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a King Size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used
is nothing but doggie sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to get the door open. I will exit the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order of things is to kiss me, and then go and smell the
other dog' s butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT. (and like to complain about our
pets)
1. The dogs live here-you don' t
2. If you don' t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my dogs better than I like some people
4. To you they are dogs, to me they are adopted children, who are
short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don' t speak clearly.
5. In some ways they are easier to care for than kids. They eat less,
don' t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, don' t drive your car, don' t hang out with drug using friends,
don' t smoke or drink, don' t worry about buying the latest fashions,
don' t wear your clothes, don' t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.
__________________
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
i hope they listen if they heed your advice how about sending mine the letter
__________________
" Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison" -- Genesis 27:3
Notice to My Dogs
