Roll your eyes...let out a sigh...another girl advice thread

[Soilarch]

Hopefully I don't come off as the sort of guy that has to ask this stuff on an online forum. But I've got a series of questions that are bothering me about relationship "stuff". There's this girl......you where all waiting for that part, weren't you? Anyways, I see a lot of things in this young lady that I value. I won't get into specifics, but I'll leave it as she's a solid Christian.

I'm pretty big on honoring God in relationships. I just happen to think is a pretty good idea

I'm pretty big on honoring the biblical models of manhood and womanhood.


But here's the dilemma, her father is 'not in the picture' so to speak. He was pretty much an alcoholic, and while I don't know how or when, he's not been a part of her raising. She's told me that she pretty much had a surrogate father who was her best friends dad. I have no clue as to whether or not he's a Christian.

How do I go about courting this woman? Do I make an effort to track down a man who in my eyes has relinquished his fatherly duties and rights? Do I track down this surrogate father? Knowing full and well that they'll likely think me crazy for going to all the trouble to ask them if can date/court this girl. Do I ask her what she feels should be done...but doesn't this kinda defeat the whole purpose?

I'm lost.
I want this girl like crazy...but I want the foundation of any relationship to be pleasing to God.

Advice?

[Chuck7]

Your a good man Soil...most would not even care to ask the girl's father..You will need to seek God yourself my friend..He will guide you.

I'm happy for you .
C7

[Soilarch]

Got some answers tonight. Not complete are definate, but God led me to some online mp3 sermon that gave some good direction. The sermon was also effective in kicking my spiritual butt! (Do we even realize what all "Biblical Courting" entails? It's mind-boggling when you realize how WRONG every single aspect of our "dating" mentality is! It's scary how different the two are.)

The sermon also led me to question whether or not I'm even ready or capable or have the privilege to even think about dating right now

[mudhead1s wife]

I am glad to hear that you got some guidance. If you have any more questions Texas Oaks has done some dating and marital bible studies, and is planning to pop the question on Christmas. I will pray for you both to have Christ like patience. Anyways if you PM Texas Oaks I am sure he would be more than happy to answer any questions he can.

[CalHunter]

Just a thought but what does the young lady think about all of this? Does she want her friend's father that involved in her life? Or would she prefer you talk with her mother? I don't know what dating advice you received so can't comment on it knowledgably.

Probably some of the best advice I could give you is to find out as much as you can about what this girl honestly thinks about God, her relationship with God and Jesus Christ, does she want a bibnlical marriage also, does she want kids, is she the nurturing type, does she have any mental health issues (trust me this one is very important) and how does she think each person (not just one of you) should work on building a relationship and marriage if you make that decision.

This may sound like a lot to consider just for dating somebody BUT if you begin to think seriously about her (i.e. long term relationship or marriage), this stuff becomes very important in how good of a marriage you have and if it lasts. There are a lot of smart people in this forum with a lot of experience and good advice. Don't feel foolish or awkward about asking for advice. It's always wiser to think carefully about something this important than to simply make a rash decision.

[Turkey Fife]

Just a thought but what does the young lady think about all of this? Does she want her friend's father that involved in her life? Or would she prefer you talk with her mother? I don't know what dating advice you received so can't comment on it knowledgably.

Probably some of the best advice I could give you is to find out as much as you can about what this girl honestly thinks about God, her relationship with God and Jesus Christ, does she want a bibnlical marriage also, does she want kids, is she the nurturing type, does she have any mental health issues (trust me this one is very important) and how does she think each person (not just one of you) should work on building a relationship and marriage if you make that decision.

This may sound like a lot to consider just for dating somebody BUT if you begin to think seriously about her (i.e. long term relationship or marriage), this stuff becomes very important in how good of a marriage you have and if it lasts. There are a lot of smart people in this forum with a lot of experience and good advice. Don't feel foolish or awkward about asking for advice. It's always wiser to think carefully about something this important than to simply make a rash decision.

This is what I was thinking also. But, I could have never made you understand it. I heard a preacher say one time you don't Date anyone that you would not marry. And you at 22 I think that is True.

Also It starts out Smiling, Holding Hands, Hugging, Kissing, Swaping Slobers at that point you better start thinking about marriage....Remember its better to Marry than to Burn!!!!

You seem like a NICE young man. I pray the best for you and your new love.

[Soilarch]

Hey guys, thanks...I couldn't agree more about the points made. (and I don't take mental-health comments lightly, trust me, I've seen my buddies date "good girls" and girls that I honestly think are fine to and fun to hang out with and be around...but in the context of a romantic relationship....it literally gets scary.)

Calhunter, I agree...there needs to be more "learning" done about this woman. But the trick in the whole matter is finding all this stuff out with getting her hopes up or leading her IF it doesn't turn out that she values family, values Christ and her own personal relationship with Him, etc. (I realize this assumes she would actually be "interested" in me...which is completely that, just an assumption.) I think this is one of the roles of the father. He's there as a firewall so to speak and any young man that wants to court his daughter must pass by him first. He knows his daughter and must decide if SHE'S ready, he learns and prays about the young man and decides if HE'S ready, and then looks at the pair and sees if THEY are going to value the same thing and are able to bring GOD glory by uniting.

Oh, and your right about it being a lot to consider before ever considering dating. But trust me, since I started looking into what the bible really has to say about courting and men's and women's roles in the family...these considerations are just some of the iceberg tips.

Turkey, thanks. I DON'T date anyone I couldn't see myself marrying. This is why I never dated in H.S. I got tired of being that way so I lowered my standards once in the second year of college. That lasted about two weeks and I'm glad it died that quickly. I'll not do the same again. That's also why I can stand at the age of 22 a virgin and without having even gotten on base. I'm gladly and eagerly waiting for the right pitch BTW, I'm not ugly either...I promiseLOL!!! The stuff you said about the physical aspect is very true but...man I know it's easy to say it, and something different all together to actually do it. But one thing I want to try this go around is to actually submit ourselves to a council of some sort. The Elders at her church, or the Youth Minister Team of the group we both attend on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The Youth Ministers are 3 guys and a girl...all the guys are married, and I know at least one of them did likewise when he was dating his now wife. They set rules from the start for our courtship, and I want one (and its really the only one I can think of) of them to be that we are not to be entirely alone together for any extended length of time. I mean, think about it, we're told to wrestle with principalities of darkness...but to FLEE from youthful lust!!! Lets paraphrase that: FIGHT THE DEVIL, DON'T EVEN TOUCH YOUTHFUL LUST! It's not really an area to play around with, compromise, or say "hey, everyone else seems to figure out just fine, we'll do the same and take the gamble." This rule wouldn't mean we can't go somewhere without our friends taggin' along. That's silly. But laying on the couch in her apartment watching a movie when none of her roommates are home...nope. If a roommates there I think it would be a different story. But then again that's why I want to be responsible to a group of men who have been there, done that, experienced the falls, and learned the value of just how precious, and WORTH FIGHTING FOR a marriage can be.

I appreciate this stuff guys, I was a little scared to bring it up 'cause I've been following a thread about Christian dating in the religious section of an archery forum...and the advice that young man is getting half makes me want to puke[:'(]...and half makes we want to e-throwdown[:@]

[sachiko]

ORIGINAL: Soilarch

Hopefully I don't come off as the sort of guy that has to ask this stuff on an online forum. But I've got a series of questions that are bothering me about relationship "stuff". There's this girl......you where all waiting for that part, weren't you? Anyways, I see a lot of things in this young lady that I value. I won't get into specifics, but I'll leave it as she's a solid Christian.

I'm pretty big on honoring God in relationships. I just happen to think is a pretty good idea

I'm pretty big on honoring the biblical models of manhood and womanhood.


But here's the dilemma, her father is 'not in the picture' so to speak. He was pretty much an alcoholic, and while I don't know how or when, he's not been a part of her raising. She's told me that she pretty much had a surrogate father who was her best friends dad. I have no clue as to whether or not he's a Christian.

How do I go about courting this woman? Do I make an effort to track down a man who in my eyes has relinquished his fatherly duties and rights? Do I track down this surrogate father? Knowing full and well that they'll likely think me crazy for going to all the trouble to ask them if can date/court this girl. Do I ask her what she feels should be done...but doesn't this kinda defeat the whole purpose?

I'm lost.
I want this girl like crazy...but I want the foundation of any relationship to be pleasing to God.

Advice?

I guess I would suggest focusing more on the marriage than on the courtship. After all, if all goes well, you will be married a whole lot longer than you spend dating.

Reading between the lines, it seems as though a great deal of your concern is the avoidance of s** before marriage.

Well s** before marriage is not the worst thing you can do. The worst thing you can do is marry someone and then decide after a few years and two or three kids that you are "not compatible,"leaving those kids with a broken home.

[Soilarch]

Not trying to be too blunt, and you're certainly right about me putting a great concern about the actual courtship itself, but once I'm married there'll be no divorce on my part. How two people who are serving the same master can be "non-compatible" is beyond me. They either aren't serving the same master...or they aren't serving the same master. If I make the error in choosing a woman who doesn't have the same master that is my fault and I've already given my word before my master that I'll provide for, honor, and protect that woman. (I do realize there are biblical grounds for divorce.) Outside of those few scenarios...divorce is not an option for me. If this means suffering an ungodly woman than so be it. The fault is on my own head. (I don't foresee this happening...but who does?!?!?)

As for avoiding sex, yeah, I'm making a big deal about it. And that's exactly how I have to go about it when I'm a red-blooded American male at 22 years old. I know my own heart to a small degree...enough to know it's deceitful and exceedingly lustful. It's worth being weird and paranoid about to me.

Concern about the marriage is good advice, but I don't even know to whom are when that's going to happen. So I'm trying to take all this one step at a time.

[sachiko]

I only mention the thought that we should focus on marriage because there is so much emphasis on dating and so little emphasis on what follows dating, that is, marriage.

A lot of good people get married with every intention of it being a life-long commitment. Yet about half of all marriages end in divorce. And one party may fully intend to stick with it for better or for worse. But if that person's spouse decides it's over, well it's over.