My Dad died today

[mr-pirk]

I am having a tough time with this post, but not for the reasons you may be thinking of.

My dad died today of a heart-attack, I can honestly say that I feel absolutely nothing.

And I am proud of that. Zero love and zero hate. I had often wondered if the latter would be possible, I can proudly say yes.

I say this post is tough for a number of reasons, and it is. It is odd to sit here and type words to people I have never met, all the while I have no one I know that I can talk to about this face to face. That is really odd.

I can"™t speak to any of my real-life friends, because they all know my mother. I couldn"™t tarnish my mom"™s reputation by discussing why I felt as I did toward my dad. Or even how I do feel towards my dad, nothing, no love no hate. Folks wouldn"™t understand that and they would ask why. My mom was not innocent either.

So I will say whatever I have to say here.

Why do I feel proud about not feeling anything today? It is because I have always hung my hat on these verses. "œIf you forgive your fellow man, you too will be forgiven. If you don"™t judge your fellow man, you won"™t be judged. If you acknowledge Jesus as your own, he will acknowledge you as his own"�.


I had worried about how I would react on this day. That is why I live a state away and have only spoken to my dad on 4 occasions over the last 30 years. He was who he was all 4 times and I suspect he died being that exact same person.

My mom isn"™t the person she used to be, she became someone I admire. I can honestly say that she is my next to closest friend, my wife being my best friend. That is why I can"™t talk to anyone here about today"™s events. I would besmirch her reputation even though I would say "œyou don"™t understand, she isn"™t that person any longer"�.

I am glad that I have zero hate, but, I am worried because I have zero sorrow at his passing, zero love.

I"™ll have to ponder that for a while. We are to love our fellow man. I didn"™t love him nor did I any longer hate him.

I felt less than the love for him that I feel toward you all. I often say prayers asking God to bless you all. I never said a prayer for him, nor do I feel the need to do so now.

If I truly was acting toward folks as Jesus instructed, I would have said prayers for him.
I will have to ponder that for a while too.



The words that keep coming to my mind are words Jesus spoke, "œyou study the scriptures diligently because you believe that life\salvation is in the words of Moses"�. The real life\salvation was in the words of Jesus "œKnow that God is God and Love your fellow man"�.

I didn"™t love my dad. The closest wording to honesty I can say is "œI became indifferent towards him"�.

Why didn"™t I pray for him? I honestly say, it is because I didn"™t feel love, nor hate.

Why didn"™t I pray to God for a change in my dad for the better? I will have to ponder that a while too.

I have some pondering to do.

"œDo you only love those who love you? I say you must love your enemy as well"�, those words are that I am pondering at the moment.


Thanks
mr-pirk

[Alex The Hawk]

My deepest sympathy, well written.
Shalom

[Leafrivermac]

Tough day, and a tough life. But we have a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother, and I'm glad that we know Him.
I really hate the whole thing for you Mark and Liz and I send you our love and prayers for you and yours
May the Lord bless you in Jesus name.

[CtHunter8]

my love and prayers are with you brother. I also lost a friend today.


-Travis-

[jrbsr]

My prayers are with you also.

You will find the anwsers to your questions some day.

Just keep beleaving in Jesus and pondering.
The answers will come.

My dad died a year ago and I felt the same way almost as you so I
Know and I feel for you and can understand where you are coming from.

I hope this helps

[Chuck7]

Sorryfor your double loss my friend..
A dad and a father. When our earthly fathers fail us God gives us extra grace.I can relate with you as well.
Chuck7

[Rebel Hog]

So sorry to hear about your feelings brother! A week before my father died in 1998, we sat and talked about all the grudges and ill feelings I had of him in the past and for the second time in my of58yrs I gave him a hug and told him I forgave him. I had a real father for one week of my life.
Welost my mother in 1992.

[Snooky]

Brother; You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can totally relate to your post, but we have a friend in Jesus.

[DaveH]

I'm sorry for your loss Mark. I pray that God will grant you peace over this.

[manuman]

Having just experienced losing my father, and still greiving that loss, I can say that I am truly sorry to hear this. It sounds as though you are torn and a bit concerned about your feelings, and I can't sort that out for you--as much as I wish I could. It seems you have lost him twice--once relationally and now through death--and maybe th efirst loss was the toughest since it seems that there already was some separation there. This may sound strange, but I am sorry that you don't get to feel the sense of los that I did. My Dad and I were close and had a lot of time together and I got to spend, literally, his last waking moments with him and to say good bye, and tell hium how much I loved him and what he meant to me. I am sorry that you can't and couldn't--I pray that you can be able to recall some good moments and times when he may have held you as a child--I'm sure he loved you whether he effectively showed you or not---at least that is my most sincere hope for you.