Finally a Barbie older girls can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Oh, man, those are hilarious. I especially like these:
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7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
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9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
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You may beat the rap, but you won't beat the ride!
Fully attired in blue jeans, wife-beater and flip flops.
A beer in one hand and a TV remote in the other.
Has state-of-the-art "squeeze and spit" capabilities.
Comes with the following accessories.....
~~Lazyboy chair and television
~~Full box of half-assembled excersize equipment, due to fact the fact that he needs "no #*@&!%' instructions"
~~Car that only drives in circles because he won't ask for directions
~~Past 13 years of "Barbie" magazine, featuring Barbie in various 'interesting' poses
~~Little black book with stars next to the names of Barbie, Teresa, Midge and Skipper
Extra reality feature.....No matter how you lay him down at night, he invariably ends up with his hands down his pants in the morning.
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I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer.---C.K. Dexter Haven
12. " I'm a girl scout slut " Barbie. The name says it all on this Barbie
13. " I'm a concerned Mom " Barbie with Matching ***** Ken that hangs out with a Jacko Doll
14. " Methodist Minister " Barbie. Barbie has converted to the Methodist religion so she can in clear conscious still believe in ***** marriages, aboriton and vote Democrat
15. " Cat Killer " Barbie that includes ammo belt and sniper rifle, this Barbie patrols the urban areas of the US hunting peoples pets.
16. " Terri Schivao " Barbie. This Barbie makes sounds, blinks eye ........ but you have to play like its not doing those things and after a couple of weeks it shrivels up and you throw it in the trash.
You know what I find funny ? At Christmas theres all these black/African American Barbies and dolls, black nativity stuff ....... and come middle of January all thats on the clearance isle for 80% off because no one wants to buy it
ORIGINAL: datamax
14. " Methodist Minister " Barbie. Barbie has converted to the Methodist religion so she can in clear conscious still believe in ***** marriages, aboriton and vote Democrat
Oooh. Ouch. Whew. But....Yep!
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We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a civilization, it expects what never was and what never will be.
You know what I find funny ? At Christmas theres all these black/African American Barbies and dolls, black nativity stuff ....... and come middle of January all thats on the clearance isle for 80% off because no one wants to buy it
Thats called equal rights.... the right to not buy half of this crap !!!!!
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It' s a dog eat dog world, and I' m wearing Milkbone underwear
ORIGINAL: datamax
16. " Terri Schivao " Barbie. This Barbie makes sounds, blinks eye ........ but you have to play like its not doing those things and after a couple of weeks it shrivels up and you throw it in the trash.
An American Icon
