With four rambunctious boys ages 4 to 12, single mother Jennifer Gallagher often finds herself yelling her throat raw. "You feel like if you just talk to them, they don't hear you," says Gallagher, who lives in northeastern Pennsylvania.
So she yells when the boys fight, yells when they don't do their homework, yells when she has to tell them something five times. By the sixth time, the request comes out louder than an opera singer's aria. "Sometimes I yell so much, I worry that they're waiting for me to yell before they'll even move, they're so used to it."
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Gallagher hates that she yells so much, and feels pretty bad once she calms down, but what she does is no different from what thousands of other parents do every day. Today, there's an entire generation of parents who grew up in an era of school paddlings, trips to the woodshed, and learning to flinch any time Dad removed his belt.
This generation has sworn they wouldn't hit their kids. The problem is, the same anger and frustration that fueled the old model of corporal punishment didn't magically vanish merely because a generation of well-meaning parents wanted it to. Instead of letting anger lead to hitting, it now often leads to shouting. But that simple act of raising our voice, depending on what we say and how often we do it, can hold the potential for long-term harm, says Murray A. Straus, a sociology professor at the University of New Hampshire.
According to a 2003 study by Straus published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 74 percent of parents surveyed reported yelling or screaming at their kids. And not just once or twice. Most yelled or screamed at their children at least 25 times during the past year. That number might be higher, says Straus, because this study relied on parents to report their own behavior, which they probably weren't proud of or might occur so often that it was forgotten or taken for granted.
To be sure, raised voices are a normal part of many households. Yelling for a child who is outdoors or three rooms away probably isn't going to cause any lasting damage. Shouting at a child who is about to do something dangerous may be startling, but it's not intended to be harmful -- just the opposite. And if a family is naturally loud and gregarious, shouting may almost be the norm.
But when a parent is face to face with a child and shouting at her in clear anger or frustration, then experts like Straus worry about the impact such an instance of psychological aggression can have. In those moments, some parents can lose control and while they may not strike out physically, the words they throw at the child -- especially if those words include insults or threats -- can cause lasting harm.
Here are some other strategies that parents use when they feel the screaming begin to bubble up.
Defuse with humor. Attempt the most out-of-character thing you can think of. One parent began laughing as she felt the urge to yell at her 7-year-old daughter. Not just giggles, either, but raucous guffaws. This same mother also once grabbed a can of whipped cream and began spraying it at her son instead of yelling at him.
Sing. Even though you really want to begin screaming, start singing, particularly a song your kid hates. The worse your voice, the louder you should sing.
Send your kid outside. Don't do this with little ones or if you live in an unsafe area, but if you have school-age children and they've just pressed your last button, calmly walk to the front door, open it, and tell your child to step outside and get some fresh air for a specific number of minutes. This outdoor time-out will be enough to silence them, and the silence will give enough time for you to cool down.
Whisper. The madder you get, the lower your voice gets until you're whispering. Your child will have to listen in order to actually hear what you're saying.
Invade your child's space. If your child isn't listening and you're ready to yell, get nose to nose with your child and gently put one hand on either side of your child's head, forcing him to look directly into your eyes. Then tell him what he needs to hear -- without shouting.
Insist once, act immediately. Without yelling, tell your child that if she doesn't do as you say immediately, X (a time-out or the loss of some privilege, such as watching TV) will occur. Count to three, and if she doesn't do it, implement X. Then walk away and refuse to listen to any arguing. Do not give more than one warning.
Put yourself in time-out. When you feel the yell building, leave the room. Go to your bedroom, close the door, and lie on the bed with a cold washcloth over your face
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I knew a guy that got arrested for yelling at his wife. The domestic abuse charge read as "Family Abuse". Better be careful when screaming at the kids, the neighbors may call the cops.
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Good advice on both counts ,
pardon me when I ignore them both .
We've raised a generation of thin skinned wusses , and have only ourselves to blame . I've always felt that volume works much better than violence , though I'm not above using mild violence when called for . Yelling drives it in , warming their seat makes sure it stays there . Spare the rod , spoil the child .
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if you raise your kids right (and that includes, at least in my case, mild corporal punishment when they're young) you don't have to yell much. nor more than once per "episode."
Dittos, kevin1. There have to be consequences (no candy, no tv, no toys, no playing outside, etc. etc.) or kids will ream you up one side and down the other. First we can't hit, now we can't yell. How are we supposed to parent, and what in the h&ll is next? I agree on the silliness of those "tips," Charlie. I wonder if they were drafted by the "It takes a village" crowd?
if you raise your kids right (and that includes, at least in my case, mild corporal punishment when they're young) you don't have to yell much. nor more than once per "episode."
I'd have to agree with this. I haven't had to yell at my kids or beat the schit out of them since they were around five. They behave like little lambs now.
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We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a civilization, it expects what never was and what never will be.
I often wonder. . . If the advise given us by these parenting "experts" is so great, why are our kids today so much more ill-mannered and poorly behaved than kids were 25 or 30 years ago?
I'm a Generation X'er; I came along right about the same time that "hitting" (it's never called "spanking" any more; it's always "hitting" or "beating") became uncool. But my father knew not the meaning of spare the rod and I grew up to be a much better person because of it. Times have changed even in the short time since I was a kid. Nowadays, the "experts" have taken it a step further. You can't spank a kid because you will cause them to be violent. You can't stand them in the corner because you'll bruise their little personalities. You can't ground them to their room without television or phone because you'll risk harming their budding social skills. You can't assign them extra chores because they'll learn to shun responsibility. You can't make them write the dictionary because you'll teach them to hate school work.
I tell you what . . . If the parenting do-gooders ever decide to crusade against the time out, we'll pretty well be screwed. We'll have no other way to discipline our children!
As Bill Engval would say, my father's version of Time Out was the Knock Out and it taught me well.
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You know, someone gave my parents one of those books one time about parenting. It was a big ol' thick book with lots of pages. Didn't take them long to figure out how to use it.
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My kids always knew things were most tenuous when my volume decreased, and I spoke in low, measured tones...slowly and with intensity. Volume has little to do with effective verbal communication. The words one uses are far more effective than echoing lame commands with no follow through.
But, whatever volume you use, "yelling" (getting their attention) is your right. Some do it better than others.
Don't Yell at your kids.
