April 27 E-mail to Candidate John F. Kerry From James (Cooter)
Thompson
Dear Senator Kerry: I am Designated Letter Writer for the
guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have
been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so
much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born
in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here
are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More if you want
them. Let us know.)
1. We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you
didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in
your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it,
four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than
that on chow lines.
2. Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your's or
someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and
you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely
to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful
mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.
3. It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you
want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and
we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're
not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.
4. Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in
snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often
wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate
just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new
Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points
out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those
Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own.
We chuckle how we could be fishin' all day with nary a worry about
where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup,
do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the
South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune
even if he's a politician.
5. Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin
matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes.
You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a
fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great
fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was
one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote
for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to
tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to
Swiss prep school and St.Paul's School and Yale College Skull &
Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and
mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar.You needn't go
to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any
of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip
truck.
6. Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're
against.
7. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know
why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there
first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there
anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of
that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened
to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend
around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up
to a hill of beans.
8. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't
be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the
afternoon. saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton
Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe
you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share
the responsibility with.
9. We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and
computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know
economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us
we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the
eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to
help your electoral chances.
10. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the
primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with
your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been
campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We
all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put
TeRAYza on the pillion and takeoff for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike
Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. You
don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely, Cooter (with the considerable assistance of J.
Boudreau and B. Bass
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__________________
"Banning guns is an idea whose time has come."
- Joseph Biden
Associated Press 11/18/93
"Be thankful that we're not getting all the government we are paying for." Will Rogers
Interesting Letter to Kerry(Ketchup Gigolo)
