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Posted: March 8, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern
Here are 13 things that play into the president's favor this November:
1. Pride in the United States Armed Forces
About 228 years ago, a people who were tired of living under a faraway king's laws, taxes and fruity-looking powdered wigs, sacrificed their lives, and in many cases, fortunes, and staged a daring fight for independence. That fight continues, with the U.S. military at the forefront.
There is no whining by the U.S. military. There is no pomp and circumstance. There are no flagrantly overexaggerated marches, like the limp-wristed goose-step and other "Chorus Line-ish" promenades that prove nothing other than that particular army is from a nation that is led by a sociopathic control freak who is a wannabe Broadway director " just good, old-fashioned, patriotic, selfless sacrifice and love of country combined with skill and dedication. The military respects Bush, and the citizens respect the military " with the possible exception of those poltroonish critics who wag a finger at them in disgust, but always stay close enough to hide behind them in case trouble starts.
2. Laura
The first lady is classy, bright and doesn't try to tinker with things with which she's completely unfamiliar (for her predecessor, health care and faithful husbands come to mind). Laura has brought dignity, grace and a distinct lack of black eyes back to the White House. This should continue.
When the Bushes leave office, Laura will leave the place the way she found it, and not looking like a hotel room after a three-night stay by the Sex Pistols. Laura Bush will also not degrade the majesty of the White House by stealing a good portion of it.
George W.'s mother, Barbara, is also worthy of a mention here. A president with a solid and commonsensical mother is of utmost importance. Barbara Bush is my kind of woman. Somebody who looks like she knows her way around a kitchen and loves her family more than anything else, but you still get the feeling that she could hold her own in a bar fight.
3. The "dumb" factor
Bush's opponents occasionally portray him as a dunderheaded lightweight. A political buffoon whose daddy and Cheney do all the thinking, and a man who mangles words as if his brain takes the dictionary and tosses it into a woodchipper every time he opens his mouth. Believe it or not, this plays to Bush's advantage.
Sure, he says words like "nook-yoo-lar" and "misunderestimate," but that's no reason to disunderlike him. The real hilarity comes from those political opponents who not only try to portray Bush as stupid, but from those who actually believe it. The smart opponent of Bush will realize that he's a bright guy. I'm not sure that John Kerry's "Parisian giving a lost American directions" style pomposity will make him appear intellectually superior, and he'll fall into the same trap that many others have.
4. Iraq
Saddam Hussein has power no more. The mad ruler who had more body doubles than Cher at a "La Cage Aux Folle" film festival in San Francisco's Castro District " and taste in decor so decadent and gaudy that his choice of interior design reminded one of a hayseed who just won the Powerball Lotto " can torture and kill no more.
The perverted butcher in a snappy fedora is gone, thanks to Bush and the greatest military on the planet. Other despots in the world are taking note, and most are endorsing John Kerry for president.
5. Hollywood
Sure, there are some people there who like Bush, but for the most part, they're fewer and farther between than Calista Flockhart's meals. Most of Hollywood hates President Bush. He makes their hands shake in anger to the point where it creates surfable Doppler waves in their Evian. To them, Bush is single-handedly stripping away all freedoms in this land " except, apparently, the freedom to make some really lousy movies and TV shows.
Hollywood is full of walking oxymorons " the wealthy bankrupt, the mansioned homeless, the environmentalist polluters, the fantasy-world realists and those in gated neighborhoods who are "at one with nature." Many of them are focusing all their attention " and any spare resources not already dedicated to the upkeep of 10,000 square foot estates " to getting rid of the president. Hey, if George W. Bush is making them focus their attention on him, and not on making any more unwatchable sitcoms, he's a great president and should be a shoo-in for re-election.
6. Al Gore
In early 2000, Al Gore started out OK in his race against George W. Bush. Later, in one debate, he wore so much makeup that the only comments even the staunchest of his supporters could muster were something along the lines of the mournfully positive fib heard at funeral homes: "They did a good job on Pop, didn't they?" It's been all downhill for him since. After the election, depression set in, and Gore started looking like he was trying out for the role of Mr. French in the Broadway version of "A Family Affair."
Later, Gore threw his endorsement to Dean. Shortly after that, Howard screeched out the shrill mating call of the "calamity warbler" and solidified his place in history as the William Hung of presidential candidates. Now, Gore's the one cranking up the volume of his voice " also out of sheer frustration. He recently called Bush a "moral coward," among other things. In the morning, however, Gore can do nothing more than look into the mirror and see himself turning into Willy Loman right before his very eyes. Al Gore serves as a daily reminder that the right man is sitting in the White House.
7. Canuck contempt
According to a poll conducted by Maclean's magazine, only 15 percent of Canadians would vote for George W. Bush. This is a good thing because Canadians will stay put. Thanks to Bush, there won't soon be U.S. politicians angling to woo yet another bloc of voters " in this case, Canadian-Americans. This would most likely lead to more mounted police, and national holidays to celebrate the births of Wayne Gretzky and Shania Twain.
Nothing against Canada or it's citizens, they're great folks, but I just figure that we were nice enough to take Celine Dion off their hands, so they should appreciate it and leave it at that. At least Canadians seem to be familiar with Bush. I'd be willing to bet that less than 15 percent of Americans can even name Canada's prime minister. Hey, who is Canada's prime minister?
8. Physical conditioning
Bush runs, swims and lifts weights on a regular basis. The president continues forward with an impressive health regimen, making him one of the most physically fit presidents ever. His cholesterol levels and resting heart are rate low, making him more capable of handling stressful situations.
This makes him look great up against some of the more hefty in Congress, who run, but only to the bathroom, and do 20 reps a day on a vodka tonic. Those with pants that are tailor-made from old Army bivouac tents look bad in comparison. If you stand outside the Senate office building and watch two lawmakers try to split a cab, occasionally, you'll see them do exactly that. As for the Massachusetts senator and presidential wannabe, in a foot race, I'd take Bush over Kerry's "jogging porter" any day.
9. United Nations
Bush has no problem making the United Nations out to be what they really are " the Wile E. Coyote of international organizations. The large collection of bureaucratic dorks, Euro-wimps, Third World finger pointers, America bashers and globalist pantywaists that comprise the United Nations are perfect fodder for Bush's Texas style. They're not compatible, and that's a good thing. The United Nations is more of a Clintonesque organization, because they are a group of people who look as if they would actually relish the opportunity to spend a weekend debating the meaning of the word "is."
In 2001, Kofi Annan and the United Nations won the Nobel prize. The following year, the prize was awarded to Jimmy Carter. One more wishy-washy winner and the Nobel folks can begin marketing their "Great Appeasers" line of "Precious Moments" figurines.
10. Jimmy Carter
With a former president like Carter running around and acting as a stark reminder of a time when we were burdened by stagflation, "general malaise," a brother named Billy and disco, Bush suddenly seems Godlike.
Carter still gets a rush out of hob-hobnobbing with communist dictators " something Bush doesn't much care for. Carter occasionally goes to Cuba to discuss trade embargoes, human rights, the release of political prisoners, and the possibility of free elections, while Castro must get annoyed because you know he only invited Jimmy down to build a treehouse for Elian Gonzales. Carter's a great human being, but was a lousy president, making Bush seem that much better. Thanks, Jimmah.
11. Ketchup cash
John Kerry's wife is worth a half a billion dollars, thanks to the Heinz ketchup fortune. If Kerry's elected, don't be surprised if the war on terror ceases, and the new "Axis of Evil" turns out to be Hunt's, Del Monte and any company that makes that "catsup" stuff. In any case, Teresa Heinz Kerry pulls down a few hundred mil, meanwhile, her husband earns just over a hundred grand from his Senate job " barely enough to pay the gardeners. Say what you want about Bush, but at least he's the breadwinner of his family.
Kerry wouldn't have any qualms about having to be the breadwinner, it's just that for his entire adult life, thanks to rich wives, he's been allowed to stay on a low-carb diet.
12. Cool stunts
Things like throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game while still on an extremely heightened terror alert, suddenly showing up at the Baghdad airport for Thanksgiving grub with military men and women, and sticking a landing on an aircraft carrier make us feel good about the president.
Bush landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln was a particularly defining moment in his presidency, and continues to drive his opponents crazy " especially those like Ted Kennedy, who are far more likely to hit the water than the deck. Also, Bush's headgear fit. Thanks to unfortunate precedent set by Mike Dukakis, you'll never in a million years see another Democratic candidate wearing a helmet. Kerry certainly wouldn't do it, because it would totally ruin his hairdo.
13. Traditional marriage
Those of us who believe that the word "marriage" is, by definition, something that can only be engaged in by a man and a woman " complaining about how much football he watches " appreciate President Bush's stance on the protection of the traditional institution of marriage. Leftist courts deciding which moral course this nation will take is a scary prospect " another reason to vote for Bush.
These very courts should also consider the ramifications of their decisions in this matter, for their dockets may soon be full of cases in which they must preside over what will turn out to be the downfall of the very idea of homosexual marriage " arguments over figuring out whose father has to pay for the reception.
Best of luck to you, President Bush. If you need anything this election season, just holler. I'll be the one watching C-Span and laughing hysterically.
Doug Powers is a freelance writer whose work has been read by millions of Internet denizens.
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"Error never shows itself in its naked reality in order not to be discovered. On the contrary, it dresses elegantly, so that the unwary may be led to believe that it is more truthful than truth itself."
-Irenaeus of Lyon
14. Bush has Testicular Fortitude, not afraid of standing up for what's right!
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15. To get some conservative judges put in place and get rid of a few of the anti-gun, pro-*****, pro baby-killing liberal judges that we have now, If this is all that Bush can get done then he deserves a 2nd term without a doubt. These liberal judges is where the most of our troubles come from.
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THE NRA, WHERE WOULD YOU AS A GUN-OWNER BE WITHOUT THEM.
GUN-OWNERS, UNITED WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL.
15. To get some conservative judges put in place and get rid of a few of the anti-gun, pro-*****, pro baby-killing liberal judges that we have now, If this is all that Bush can get done then he deserves a 2nd term without a doubt. These liberal judges is where the most of our troubles come from.
Hey Strut maybe old* will nominate some judges who will institute a state religion. Wouldn't that be neat?
I can think of 1300 reasons not to vote for old boil face.
13 reasons to vote for Bush
