I humbly throw this out here for a different view, perhaps some guidance or advice, and as a way to vent. Thanks for listening.
I am a divorced/remarried parent with a 10 year old son, and a 12 year old daughter. I grew up in a stable home with great parents giving me the most important thing a child could get - guidance. I turned out a lot like my folks and that makes me happy. IMO, that's a good thing.
Being divorced, I have split custody of my kids. Here's the problems: They get a completely different upbringing from their mom (my ex) than they get from me and my wife, their step mom. They love my wife so that's not the problem. The problem is being guided by a very different set of morals and values than what I would give them. For instance, I don't drive nor would ever support driving a foreign car (not cutting you toyota driving folks down, just the way I believe). Ex, she drives a Toyota. I would never take my kids to a movie rated pg-13. Ex, she takes them to all kinds of movies rated pg-13 (think of all the movies that are rated pg-13, good for a 10 and 12 year old?) Ex leaves the kids alone all the time to go "out". I play with my kids and never leave them alone. Ex doesn't make the kids clean, you can't even see their bedroom floors. Their bedrooms are spotless in my house because the rest of the house is that way. Ex-grandma, thinks it's cool to get piercings and tatoos and can't wait to have that first "drink at the bar" with the grandkids. Kids go to parties at the ex's family where pot smoking and drinking, lude language is the norm. At the ex's house, the kids use a different tone with each other and the ex because that is the norm - the ex's family screaming at each other is their normal way to communicate. I worry about this because both kids are nearing those teen years where the bad things in life are going to be in their every day lives very soon - sex, drugs, etc... I could go on, but the point is, does anyone have any experience with this? Will my kids grow up confused about right and wrong? Will they go the ex's way or my way? Am I worrying over nothing? Is there really anything I can do anyway?
Again, thanks for any input on this. I appreciate it.
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We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a civilization, it expects what never was and what never will be.
Bob, hire you a private investigator to get some proof (pictures, proof) of your kids being taken to these pot-smoking parties. Then ask the judge who handles your case to hear you.
I don't know of any situation where the parents being divorced is a great thing for the kid, but some are worse than others. Sounds like your ex's mother is a real winner.
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We must be the change we wish to see in the world -- Ghandi
http://www.rightminded.net
Bob, I definitely feel for you! When I married my husband, I also got three great kids. His ex-wife had decided, when the kids were 6 months, 3, and 4, that she didn't want to be a mom anymore. She went months and years between contacting us, but when she did, I would cry my eyes out during the times the kids went to visit her. She smoked pot in front of them, did crank in front of them, and the drinking was constant. She has a mouth like a sewer, and half the time didn't know where the boys were. When she exercised her court-ordered visitation, she got every other weekend, every-other holiday, and 6 weeks on the summer, broken into two 3-week periods. They saw her severely beat by several men, called 911, hid at neighbor's houses, saw her arrested at least twice...and those are just the things we know about. Had the situation been different, we would have been able to terminate her rights during her extended absences. However, anyone who has ever tried can tell you, there isn't a chance in hell of terminating the rights of an Indian mother. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to at least restrict visitation, but no go.
So, we were left with just doing the best we could to try to instill in them the values we have, and praying. Lots and lots of praying!
Every situation is different. I hope that your children can grow to see that thier mother is NOT who they should strive to be like.
I wish that I could say all three of these kids are okay today. My 18-yr-old daughter is fantastic. She sees her other mother for who she is. She recognizes that this woman made horrible choices due in large part to drug and alcohol abuse, and even though she worries about her health and safety, she knows she can't fix her. She is an honor roll student who will start college next fall. I couldn't have asked for a more spectacular daughter. She is a perfect role model for her little sister. As far as the two boys, now 20 and 21, they had a harder time. It was alot harder for them to deal with everything. The 21-yr-old is doing alot better now, and I honestly think he will be just fine. But the 20-yr-old is still struggling alot.
All I can tell you is to do the best you can to teach your kids what is right and wrong, do whatever you can legally to insure their safety, and pray that it all works out in the end.
Sorry if this isn't much help. But it's hard to know what to do in these situations.
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I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer.---C.K. Dexter Haven
Thanks for sharing that hntngirl. I don't think my situation is quite that bad because the ex does attempt to be a mother (problem is she see's her ways as right and can't possibly be wrong). My daughter has had straight A's for all of 6th and 7th grade. I think she dumps a lot of her frustrations into school work, which I guess is a good thing, better than other alternatives anyway. But I worry that the contrast in the two homes will affect them both. You always here horror stories about great kids that are awesome in sports, get excellent grades, well liked... up and shoot themselves one day. I say that because I went through this tragedy first hand with my cousin. Maybe I worry too much but I'm not sure if I know how to be a parent of a teenager. For the first time in 12 years, I'm afraid of being a parent. I know I'm not the world's most perfect human being by a very long shot, so that doesn't help either.
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We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a civilization, it expects what never was and what never will be.
Luckly I have full custody of my 3 y/o son. She only gets him every other weekend, but when she does MAN!! He comes home like a different person! He is not made to act properly, while potty training was in effect, she used diapers on him. After he left the pacifer behind, she kept giving it to him. (By act properly, I just mean behave as well as a 3 y/o can!)
But here is my view on being a parent. I am married again to a wonderful woman who my son calls mommy and really she is his mommy!
I am lucky because I have her in my life and his.
I normally have regrets almost everyday about something I did or did not do to/for my son. He is (in a way) teaching me to become a father.
I do my best by my son in everything and that is all that I can do. I protect him (maybe too much) shelter him, feed him, love him, and provide a loving environment for him to grow up in. In all of this I try to teach him while learning lessons from him each day as well.
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Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
badshotbob - I look at it this way. I have 18 years to teach my kids the best i can how to be good adults making good decisions in life. I'll do the best I can and the chips will fall where they will, be them fall good or bad.
Children will be who they are - theres an enormous ammount of factors involved and yep, sometimes even being a great parent will not stop a kids from going bad. It happens, don't sweat the things you cannot control. Do all you can to your best ability, always critique yourself on how you're doing as a parent, make adjustments and keep going.
Thats all we as parents can do. Its the ones who neglect BEING a parent that chaps my ass ...
Badshot, I can only speak from my observations of other peoples children. Im still married to the same lady after 34+ years and my parents stayed together their entire life. I raised two sons and fortunately never had them go through what your children and you are going through now.
What I do know about children from raising my own and see many others, good and bad, is that they are good studies of their parents and adults around them.
You do not have total control over them because of the shared custody and in reality you never do anyways. They have many outside influences beside your ex. Your goal is to work with them, establish strong values and practices in their lives. You already do that. Furhter you must communicate with them, as they get older, your concern for their behavior away from you and how it will effect their lives in the long run. Talk to them about making the right choice and the "what if" situations they will or have been exposed to in their lives. Plant the seed to have them observe how bad behavior and self indulgence effects others. They will see the negitive things on their own. Don't you point them out or you will just be a finger pointer at odds and in competition with your ex.
As you already know raising children is a full time job whether they are with you all the time ot not. If you do your best job, teach, demonstrate and communicate with them you can only then trust them and your good practices.
Best of luck and keep the faith.
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Now you have to picture a combination of PeeWEE Herman and Wally Cox but with less muscle tone, trying to be intimidating None of this is funny! Message edited by Cougar Mag -- 1/7/2005 1:16:42 AM >/b]
Maybe I worry too much but I'm not sure if I know how to be a parent of a teenager. For the first time in 12 years, I'm afraid of being a parent. I know I'm not the world's most perfect human being by a very long shot, so that doesn't help either.
Bob, you've got some excellent advice from the people here. I have six kids. Five of them were teenagers, all in high school, at the same time! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. All you can do is do the best you can. Teenagers are wonderful, terrible, fantastic, scary people. You will make mistakes, both big and small. And, being the wonderful people they are, your kids will never let you forget any of them.Just try to learn from the mistakes you make, keep the lines of communication open as much as you can, try not to say "I told you so" too much (they're going to make big and little mistakes too), and pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff, or you'll be battling each other more than enjoying each other, and that just ends up causing resentment on both sides. Save it for the stuff that's really going to matter in the long run. When all is said and done, even if they stray in the beginning, I really believe that the majority of kids will return to the way they were raised, eventually. We just have to grit our teeth alot till then!
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I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer.---C.K. Dexter Haven
Speaking of kids: Parents vs. Parents
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Bob, you've got some excellent advice from the people here. I have six kids. Five of them were teenagers, all in high school, at the same time! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. All you can do is do the best you can. Teenagers are wonderful, terrible, fantastic, scary people. You will make mistakes, both big and small. And, being the wonderful people they are, your kids will never let you forget any of them.
