The OnStar computer in Randy Racine's 2003 Oldsmobile Bravada was so baffled by Racine's diction that it couldn't function.
Racine, who's 76, doesn't come from a foreign country; not technically, anyway. He's from Ishpeming, in the western half of Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He mined iron ore there before trying his luck in the drop forges of Lansing.
Racine has been "down below" for 39 years. But he doesn't claim to have mastered "Lower Peninsula language." Explaining the translation glitch between him and OnStar, Racine said, "I guess it's a Yooper ting."
OnStar, as you probably know, is the ultimate car gadget - a bell and whistle combined. It's an in-vehicle Global Positioning System, combining a satellite network with wireless technology. It tells you where you are, how to get where you're going, etc. It's also a hands-free, voice-activated telephone.
"You talk to your rearview mirror," was how Racine put it. But you have to know the language.
Racine bought the Bravada in mid-November. Shortly afterward, he took a trip across the Mackinac Bridge. A friend there, noticing Racine's OnStar setup, asked Racine if he had ever tried to use it.
Racine admitted that he hadn't. The friend told Racine that, given his native tongue, he might have trouble communicating with OnStar.
Sure enough, Racine ran into a language problem.
The way the OnStar phone works is that the computer voice repeats the digits spoken by the person making the call. But whenever Racine said "two," or "eight," the computer replied - and dialed - "zero"
"I even tried stretching my mouth, but nothing worked," he said.
This was especially frustrating because when other people tried Racine's OnStar phone, it worked flawlessly.
A salesman at the dealership where Racine bought the Bravada suggested he seek some advice by pushing the blue button on his OnStar unit. He did so, and got hooked up with a helpful woman.
Not only did she understand Racine's problem, but she had a solution.
"She knew all about it," he said. "She said other people were in the same boat."
The woman suggested that instead of saying "two" and "eight," Racine say "q" and "skate."
"I tried it and it worked perfectly," said an elated Racine. "I called my boy in the U.P."
Racine forgot to ask the OnStar woman if the communication gap was unique to residents of the Upper Peninsula.
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I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer.---C.K. Dexter Haven
You have to check out Presque Isle and the lovely Marinisco.
Myself and two other buddies got kicked out of a hunting lodge in wisconsin for being rather naughty, so we ventured to the U.P.
Second place we stopped at was "Rosies" in Marinisco. It was 6 in the morning and we were ready to play pool and drink.
owner came down in his pajamas, opened the door and made us coffee. When I ordered a bourbon and water, he called his brother to bring a bottle to his tavern cause he didn't have any.
He made about $500 off of us and we were glad to give it to him. I had a frickin' blast.
NEVER have I been served in a tavern by a man in pajamas before that.
1. 20 YOOPERS IN A PONTOON BOAT
DRIVEN BY MY BUDDY MIKE
WE'RE FISHIN"™ OUT ON THE BASIN
FOR ALLIGATOR WALLEYE PIKE
EMIL BROUGHT HIS TV
AND ROUTIE"™S BEAGLE FRED
HE'S TOO OLD TO DRIVE A RABBIT
SO HE COMES FISHIN"™ WITH US INSTEAD
WE GOT LAWN CHAIRS A POKER TABLE
AN ICE COLD KEG OF BEER
WE'RE LOADED DOWN WITH SO MUCH STUFF
MIKE CAN HARDLY STEER
CHORUS:
20 YOOPERS IN A PONTOON BOAT
FISHIN"™ FOR MOBY DICK
DA WIFE SHE THINKS I'M WORKING
& DA BOSS HE THINKS I'M SICK
IT'S A PERFECT DAY FOR FISHIN"™
DRINKING BEER AND TELLING LIES
ITS A LITTLE BIT LIKE HEAVEN
WHEN YOU'RE FISHIN"™ WIT DA GUYS
2. MOOCH IS SHOWING DIRTY SHIRT
THE PROPER WAY TO CAST
HE SNAGS OLE"™ NO NECK BY DA EAR
OF COURSE NOBODY LAUGHS
DABBER"™S GRILLING VENISON STEAKS
DA FLAMES ARE THREE FEET HIGH
HIS FISHING HAT IS SMOLDERING
BUT IT KEEPS AWAY DA FLIES
MUNGO"™S ON HIS FIFTEENTH BEER
HE'S STANDING BY DA KEG
HE DON'T KNOW FRED DA BEAGLE
IS GOING ON HIS LEG
(REPEAT CHORUS)
3. A WINNEBAGO"™S BOBBING BY
IT LOOKS LIKE NOAH'S ARK
ITS FULL OF TERRORISTS FROM OHIO
FISHING FOR FRESHWATER SHARK
THEY SAY SOME FOOL FORGOT DA PLUG
THEIR BOAT SANK LIKE A ROCK
SO THEY LAUNCHED DA WINNEBAGO
IT BEATS FISHIN"™ FROM DA DOCK
SO WE ALL RUN UP FRONT TO LOOK
AND DA PONTOON STARTS TO SINK
EVERYBODY BUT FRED DA BEAGLE
ENDS UP IN THE DRINK
'Yooper' struggles to master OnStar lingo...
