Parents, can your child make it on their own?

[Fieldmouse]

I post this after a trip to the northeast of America and after hanging out with "Dems".

Can your kid handle being kicked out of the nest and live on their own?

This is for the ones with teenagers. His comment shocked me from the stand point, he's in a impressive job but not one that he shouldn't believe his kid counldnt exceed.

Who's fault is that if your kid can't make it on their own? You know my answer. This was I guess shouldn't be jaw dropping but this guy is a Dem. I guess shocked in the place he found himself in when he opened his eyes.

[Knightia]

They can now( my kids were teens once )my daughter gave us some real problems as a teen ,things have changed a lot since.My son not much of a problem at all & by 18 he was out & working- shorty after that he joined the army for 8 yrs( no nest returnss for him ever().

IF the liberal schools in ny didnt butt its nannystate nose into my business as a parent( as they did with my daughter) & create a wedge i think that would have helped some.

[Champlain Islander]

All 3 of our daughters left the house when they went off to college and never returned. All are now married, with kids and hold full time jobs just like their husbands. We did have the youngest daughter along with her husband and infant child move into our house for about 6 months when they decided to come back to Vermont from the northern Virginia area where they both held great jobs. The thought of raising their newborn down there was too much and even though her husband was from there they decided that Vermont was the way of life they wanted. When they moved in it was for a month max according to her husband and they were going to look for jobs and get an apartment. I talked them into getting a house instead and they had to wait a few extra months for it to be built. All are doing well now fully employed and in their own homes.

[Alsatian]

I would say that my oldest daughter could make it on her own. My son -- who is 21 -- probably could not make it on his own, yet. I get your point and agree: it is encumbent on parents to prepare their kids to live and support themselves in the real world. My son is getting there . . . but he's not there yet.

My son is a college senior studying Biology. He will graduate next May. He has worked every summer between college years, but these have been unskilled, manual labor type of jobs. Landscaping/lawn mowing the first two summers; warehouse work for a moving company the third summer. During the school year he does not work but focuses on his college work and other suitable activities. My hope is to get him started in my profession -- patent legal work -- and if this works out my hope is that he will follow up by going to law school. For this to work, I think he needs to learn a lot of things that aren't yet known to him.

One of these things is to prioritize how he spends his time. He is a capable athelete and competes on his college gymnastics team. Additionally, he is a nationally competitive arm wrestler (he considers this a sport, it certainly involves significant physical training and discipline) who has twice competed in his weight class on the US arm wrestling team. He has a tendency, in my opinion, to place a higher priority on these sports interests than on things that have long term career implications for him.

Another of these things is his mastery of manners and other social graces. He is weak in this area and even voices disdain for these conventional and superficial matters when talking to me in private. It is my experience that mastery of manners and social graces pays a high rate of return in adult life, so I'm not sure my son is ready to be on his own, with reference to this aspect of living.

Finally, I don't think my son has a realistic appreciation for life as a pathway. I've told him that more than likely he will get married, he will have children, and he should take these eventualities into consideration when planning his career and his future. It is as if he thinks this life path is unlikely. "What?!!! Me get married? Me have children? Me want to live in a place where my children can grow up in a safe, clean neighborhood and go to a good quality school?!!! C'mon! What are the odds of that, like about zero?!!!"

Perhaps these are minor things. To some extent these lessons just come with more age. But I'm with you. It is my duty as a parent to try to teach my son these lessons and prepare him to live a good life and to avoid hazards.

[Wub]

My oldest is only 10 so he wouldn't be able to survive yet. I think he'll be prepared to live on his own by the time he is 16 or so. My bride has been on her own since she was 15 (not by choice) so I think it's kind of instinctive for her to pass on some of the hard lessons that she learned when she was young. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 (this was my choice. I had and still have great, supportive parents. I was just a loser). Naturally, we'll push our children to focus on education and choosing a good career etc.. But I think they'll have the ability to survive on their own from a young age if need be.

We openly discuss nearly all topics related to the organization and planning of our family in front of and with our children. We kind of treat it like a business. Our children are aware of what things cost. With the exception of birthday and Christmas gifts they earn money to buy the things they want. And not through allowance either; they don't get allowance. They do chores but they aren't paid for it. They can earn money by volunteering to help with extra things not related to their regular chores, and by doing odd jobs for neighbors. We take them grocery shopping, and they are well aware of the costs related to the necessities in life. They can do what they want with their money. I'm proud to say that they are very frugal, but they routinely give some of their earnings to the needy (mostly through different collections at church)

I agree with Alsatian, too, about manners and social graces. My children are home schooled, but they can handle themselves very well in nearly any social situation. They understand the concept of respect--lacking and a major flaw in most children and young adults now-a-days. But they also have the confidence to carry a conversation with anyone...their peers, older kids, officials and other adults. I'm bragging now; aren't I?

[Knightia]

They understand the concept of respect--lacking and a major flaw in most children and young adults now-a-days. But they also have the confidence to carry a conversation with anyone...their peers, older kids, officials and other adults. I'm bragging now; aren't I?

It is a parents(job? and grandparents right to brag)

I have 12 grandchildren now.

6 & 6 each for my son( his last was not long ago) & daughter.

My son home schools his also(always have been)- he gets complamnted a lot on how well they act in public a bit by strangers- know how to talk, behave etc .

My other six( daughters)itspretty strange- are about the exact oppsite most of the time( wish i could brag about them some to in that area).

[Wub]

Originally Posted by Knightia

he gets complamnted a lot on how well they act in public a bit by strangers- know how to talk, behave etc .

I'm bragging again, but people are constantly complimenting us on how well they act in public. We rarely eat at a restaurant when someone doesn't stop by the table to say something.

My other six( daughters)itspretty strange- are about the exact oppsite most of the time( wish i could brag about them some to in that area).

Lol...My brother's kids are the exact opposite of my little geeks. Don't get me wrong; they're good kids and I love em. They're smart too. But they have no concept of proper manners, and have very little respect for adults that they encounter, much less their peers.

[Knightia]

Lol...My brother's kids are the exact opposite of my little geeks. Don't get me wrong; they're good kids and I love em. They're smart too. But they have no concept of proper manners, and have very little respect for adults that they encounter, much less their peers.
__________________

Just curious- im not doing a scientific study or making data points(?) but do your bothers kids go to public school?

I can see home schooling as a def plus.

But i have to say my son & daughter are compleatly diffent ppl now & then. And so are thre spouses.

And not to rag on my own to much but she does not have very good parentting skills( and my son in laws are much worse) etc.

I mentioned to my son last i saw him(3 yrs ago?)

That they ( he & my daughter in law) have to be thankfill for each other & there efforts as parents.

As your sister might as well be alone pretty much , as much help as she gets from her husband with parenting) ( then she wouldnt have to deal with his problems to like multipl dui,s etc etc ( i made it very clear to him- he hurts my faimly in any way- you will not live long))

Dont get me wrong im glad they have a family unit etc & i dont dislike the guy but hes about as usefull as male nipples.

But i have to remember- it could be worse to. The older ones of those grandkids can swear & act like drunkin sailors- so i guess he taught them something( not to usefull tho imo) Its not like hes a young guy he is 10 yrs her seniour (47-48 i think)

Soorry Not to bend yer ear off complaing about my family matters- i just tend to wonder about these things etc.

My kids will always be my kids( but of course they are adults)i mind my own bis & tend to stay out of it all as much as possible - i just want the grandpa job- not to be the parents of the parents & there children to.

[Wub]

Originally Posted by Knightia

Just curious- im not doing a scientific study or making data points(?) but do your bothers kids go to public school?

My brother's kids have been sent to both public and private schools; they're in a public school right now.

This might sound a bit...neo-chivalrous (I might have just invented that term. I'll google it when I'm done here) , but I really think that my wife's and my partnership is what makes all the difference. We base all of our decisions on faith, first and foremost. Aside from that, though, my wife has driven our relationship to be full of honest communication. If I have an issue with her, I feel completely confident in bringing it to her attention. Even if that issue is something as silly and immature as jealousy or suspicion.

We also had discussions early on about the roles in our union. She decided that she wanted to be a homemaker, versus working and splitting the home caring with me. I made it clear, though, that if that's what she wants to do, I expect just as much effort as if she were still working a career. She was on board with that and has more than kept her word.

I made the point about our relationship roles because I really believe that this is the major problem in many parts of the world today; including here in America. My brother's problem, and it's the case with many families, is that he and his wife do not work as a team in the interest of their children. The sad part is, working as a team with honest effort is as natural as the festival part of making babies...one would almost think that the concept of a "family" was intelligently designed.

I see many families become dysfunctional and break apart because they have adopted this modern fallacy that men and women are the same. My best friend and his wife were just awarded with their second child. The first child, however, almost broke the marriage apart. From the instant they returned from the hospital, the mom insisted that dad share in the responsibility of caring for the baby throughout the night. If they had agreed that he is the stay at home dad and she work to provide for the family, which I still think is a bit unorthodox but I can understand why some people do it, then this wouldn't be too much of a problem. They had decided, though, that they would both work and therefore share the home care duties. This is all fine and good, but she gets 6 weeks off of work to recover from the delivery and partake in those first few crucial weeks of her baby's life; meanwhile he has to return to work immediately. Her selfishness in the shared duties, which she rationalized as modern enlightenment, only started with the demand for him to wake in the middle of the night to make a bottle. After a couple years, when their marriage was on the brink of dissolving, I finally suggested that he, for lack of better words, be a man and put his foot down. Long story short, he did and it worked. He even called me after a week of them being home and said that she hasn't once asked him to get up in the middle of the night to make a bottle.

[Knightia]

What you say makes a lot of sense Wub.

it's the case with many families, is that he and his wife do not work as a team in the interest of their children.

Thats i see as the biggest problem in my daughters /soninlaws case.There is no team.

When he told me (awhile ago) - Whats hers is hers & whats mine is mine( money debt etc-& other such ideas i found it a rather strange non family partnership concept .

( more like a pirate gang? )

...one would almost think that the concept of a "family" was intelligently designed.

Imo i would think so to .And the rest of it to- our world( including its randomness etc also)


I think my son had those bottle in the nite problems etc( no more as far as i know)

I hear this last ones( there baby) a real nite cryier- so he hasnt gotten much sleep before work( 2 mths old now i think)


My ol grandmas cure for colic or teathing etc would be whisky& water- or peragoric(opium)( combo? cure( i can see why babys would sleep)

But someday she will sleep threw the nite imsure.