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Questions from Mars: why we hate politics
By:
Roger Simon
May 7, 2007 05:29 PM EST
If you were a Martian (and my e-mails indicate that many of you are), you might have been confused by the first two presidential primary debates conducted recently in Orangeburg, S.C., and Simi Valley, Calif. So today I will answer Questions From Mars.
Q What is the purpose of these debates?
We are in the process of selecting our president, and debates are a way of learning more about the candidates.
Q What is the president?
The president is the most important person in America, the person who drives the national agenda and is the center of media attention.
Q So the current president is Paris Hilton?
Yes.
Q Then why is President Hilton going to jail?
She plunged America in a disastrous war based on false assumptions, she filled government with political hacks and she values mindless loyalty over competence.
Q And your presidents go to jail for such things?
No, they usually get reelected for such things. But we are making an exception.
Q We could not help but notice that all the Republican debaters in Simi Valley were white males. Are all Republicans white males?
Yes.
Q Then how do they create more Republicans?
Ah, you have been studying our ways! I was kidding. There are Republicans who are not white and not male. But they are not allowed to run for president.
Q Are all Republicans otherwise alike?
No, they sometimes disagree. The most revealing thing about the Republican debate was that three of the candidates -- Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo -- say they do not believe in evolution.
Q What is evolution?
Evolution is the process by which humans developed from single-cell organisms to the superior and complex beings that they are today. This happened through a process called "natural selection," which is also sometimes called "survival of the fittest" or "politics."
Q And what do Brownback, Huckabee and Tancredo believe?
That a deity created the entire world and everything on it about 6,000 to 10,000 years ago. This is called "creationism."
Q What do you believe?
Well, if evolution results in superior and complex beings, how do we account for Brownback, Huckabee and Tancredo?
Q We noticed that the Democrats had a woman and a black man among their debaters. Can women and black people become president?
Of course. We are an advanced and civilized country.
Q How many women have become president of your country?
None.
Q How many black people have become president of your country?
None.
Q What does this mean?
We are still evolving.
Q We also noticed that three Democrats -- Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards -- said they have never had a gun in their houses. What is a gun?
A gun is a symbol of American independence, a tool by which we gained our freedom and conquered a wilderness. You can also use one to shoot somebody who you don't like.
Q Are the positions of Clinton, Obama and Edwards popular within the Democratic Party?
No. Democrats used to be for gun control, but now the deep thinkers in their party are for guns. They believe getting the votes of gun owners will be their key to victory next fall.
Q So Clinton, Obama and Edwards are doing badly?
No, they are leading in all the polls for the nomination.
Q We are confused.
In that case, you have become Democrats.
Q Is Mike Huckabee gaining weight?
We think so. Or else he is about to create another Republican.
Q One last question. Can you tell us who Mike Gravel is?
You mean he's not a Martian?
Questions from Mars: Why We Hate Politics - From Politico
